Apple’s Up to Its Old Tricks: Oregon Trail Movie? Aye, Seriously.
Well, if ye thought Apple was already trying to dominate the universe with phones, timepieces, and now even ruddy glasses – brace yourself, matey. They’ve set their sights on transforming ‘The Oregon Trail’ into an “action comedy”. Ye know, the game where ye slowly perished from dysentery or went under trying to cross a river ‘cause yer wagon was made of sticks and a wish? Aye, that one. The classic ye played in class when the teacher couldn’t be bothered to teach.
Someone at Apple’s Got a Sense of Humor
Right, first off, who on earth asked for this? Did someone sit down one day and think, “Ye know what’s lacking in this world? A 19th-century, dysentery-infested adventure… but with more laughs.” Like, aye, Oregon Trail had its fun moments in a dark way, but I don’t recall chucklin’ when poor Timmy contracted cholera. Not exactly “action comedy” material, but hey, Hollywood’s been worse, so why not?
What’s the Story with the Film?
So, it appears Apple’s brought on some folks who believe they can take us back to the good old pioneer days, but with a comedic twist. Not sold just yet, mate. I envision something that’s a blend of ‘Monty Python’ and ‘Little House on the Prairie’, but who knows what’ll unfold. It could be brilliant. It could be a disaster. Probably a bit of both, to be honest.
The storyline? No idea as of now, but if it doesn’t feature some unfortunate soul succumbing to dysentery while cracking a joke, what’s even the purpose, right? They better throw in a scene where someone’s attempting to cross a river and their wagon gets stuck – that was peak Oregon Trail. Without that, they’ve lost the narrative entirely.
Apple TV+ Needs More Viewers
Now, let’s cut to the chase, mate. Apple TV+ hasn’t precisely been a game changer, has it? Aye, ‘Ted Lasso’ was decent, but I’m still not convinced anyone’s really shelling out for this thing. Perhaps they think a nostalgia-driven ‘Oregon Trail: The Movie’ will help ‘em rake in the subscriptions. Nostalgia sells, especially with a sprinkle of 80s and 90s vibes.
But, let’s be honest. Apple’s gonna need more than a few gags about crossing a river to keep folks from bailing on their free trials. If they want this flick to stir up buzz, it better be astonishingly absurd – and in a good way, not in the “why on earth did I waste two hours of my life on this” sense.
Who’s Gonna Watch It?
So who’s this film really for? It surely aims at Gen Xers and older millennials, the ones who actually recall playing the game on those ancient, beige computers in IT class. But let’s be real, today’s youth? They’ve no idea what Oregon Trail is. They’re all too busy TikToking and Snapgramming or whatever.
But aye, if ye find yourself feeling nostalgic for a time when the pinnacle of technology was a pixelated wagon moving across a green screen, this could be the film for you. Just don’t expect it to actually, ye know, *be good*.
Apple’s Aspirations in Hollywood
This whole affair just reeks of Apple hurling as much cash as possible at the wall to see what resonates. They’re evidently eager to make a bigger splash in Hollywood, but let’s get real – Apple’s just a wealthy lad showing up to the gathering with a fancy drink, hoping to be welcomed.
Will this film turn out to be the next ‘Ted Lasso’? Unlikely, mate. Will it have folks cancelling their Netflix and HBO Max subscriptions? Not unless they’re completely off their rocker.
Here’s hoping watching it will be less torturous than dying of dysentery
GenXers and elder millennials, celebrate – or perhaps not: An Oregon Trail movie is on its way from Apple. Brace yourselves and send a prayer for the wagon wheels.
